My First & Last Hostel

I will never stay in a dorm-style hostel ever again.

I’m new to the hostel game. I decided to give it a shot during my first week in Lisbon. It seemed like a great opportunity to meet other travelers and an easy way to get acquainted with a brand-new country. What I didn’t realize while booking my stay was that Yes! Hostel has the reputation as the most popular party hostel in the entire city.

I quickly learned this after the first night when my roommates pulled up to the dorm at 4 and 730 in the morning drugged out and piss drunk - it was a Wednesday. The first two nights that I stayed in the dorm featured two obnoxious snorers, one of whom had such bad sleep apnea that I was afraid I was going to need to call the paramedics because it sounded like he had a potato stuck in his throat and he would stop breathing for 10 seconds at a time. Needless to say, I did not sleep much.

But the real fun came on the third night. My new friend/roommate Raúl from Spain (whom I met a couple of days prior) and I were thankful that the two Snorlax had departed. We were going to have the room to ourselves and finally have the chance for a decent night’s rest.

After being so exhausted from the previous 2 nights, I decided to go to bed early. About 30 minutes into my rest I was greeted with a tumultuous entrance into the dorm and my curtain exposed.

“O - sorry about dat.” said an unrecognizable foreign voice.

The room was dark and I couldn’t make out the person who had just annoyingly opened my bed curtain for no reason at all.

The light turned on and there were two tall skinny French men in their early 30’s with luggage.

“Are you lost?” I asked provokingly as I had just been woken 30 minutes into what I thought was going to be my first decent night’s rest.

“No, I am staying here. I tot dis was my bed.”

“Oh, ok” I said passively.

We then introduced ourselves as good roommates do. I was half asleep and don’t remember their names, but they seemed friendly.

I proceeded to close my curtain in an attempt to fall back asleep.

The next events went something like this:

• Raúl makes an entrance, is caught off guard by the new roommates, introduces himself, and then proceeds to go to bed.

• One of the French guys takes a shower.

• The other French guy is unpacking and making every possible noise he can.

By now it’s about 11 pm. The French guy is out of the shower, they turned off the lights and seemed they were getting ready for bed. I found it strange that both of them opted to sleep in the same bed. These were incredibly small mattresses that even I had a hard time sleeping in alone.

About 20 minutes have passed and I am interrupted from my sleep again but this time by some very strange noises.

Are they eating something?

…

…

…

Oh my god, they’re sucking dicks!!!

My heart instantly dropped. Any small ounce of innocence that I still possessed had just fled my body.

It took me about 15 seconds to muster up the courage and say something.

“Ay be cool with that!” I shout with panic

… silence

“Ay guys, can you go somewhere else and do that? It’s making me uncomfortable.”

“Are you talking to us? What are we doing?”

“You’re sucking dicks! AND WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

I didn’t know what else to say.

Nevertheless, I think they got the message. They didn’t respond but I heard some wastebands snap. I think they were embarrassed, and rightfully so!

These guys then proceed to hop out of bed in their tighty whiteys and leave the room for a couple of hours. Feel free to finish the rest of the story with your imagination if you wish.

The Next Day

The next day rolls around and I decide to take a trip to the Sanctuary of Christ.

The scene was jaw-dropping.

For 12 euros, I got to walk to the top of the monument.

They hired the same designer that designed the Golden Gate Bridge

As I was taking some pictures of the view I was greeted by a somewhat familiar voice.

“Excuse me. Can you take a picture of us?

I turned around, and you guessed it - it was my new French friends whom I met the night prior.

They didn’t recognize me, but I immediately recognized them and my first instinct was to put on a fake foreign accent just to make sure they wouldn't know who I was. I don’t know why but I adopted the accent from Borat.

“Ah! Well of course!”

I snapped a few pictures and got the hell out of there.

There were a lot of positives that came from my stay at the hostel, however. I met a ton of people from all around the world and went on both a walking tour and a bar crawl that my hostel hosted. My days of staying in a dorm-style room were short-lived, but I would consider staying in a private room at a hostel if it were offered.

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Postcard

Lisboa at night is unreal

Bye for now 👋

Brandon